Camping Chaos
by Sakuchi-san
Summary: The Director at Whammy House has ordered Matt, Near, and Mello to get out of the AC and go CAMPING. And their chaperones are none other than L, Light, and Matsuda. With these dastardly combos, nobody is going to escape being pranked, beaten, or possibly EATEN. Will everyone make out of the forest alive and with their sanity? (Prequel to Pranks & Sweets, but read it anyways).
1. Road Trip!

_**Here it is, the hilarious prequel to Pranks & Sweets (if you haven't read it, go NOW and laugh your butt off). Or maybe it's better to just read this first?Anyways, Enjoy.**_

_**Camping trip? With this gang? Yeah, someone's gonna screw up...**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Matsuda had just gotten the group lost for the fifth time that morning. Apparently, for a Japanese Police Department officer he didn't know how to read a highway map. _I've must have took a wrong turn at Exit 243, maybe that was it..._thought Matsuda pensively as he glanced at the map again for a longer study. _Or maybe it was 324? That was it...or maybe..._

Suddenly the map was snatched gruffly out of his hand. "I can't stand it anymore! Tried to let you read the map like a big boy and you take the same wrong exit TWELVE FUCKING TIMES. Pull over, I'm driving." Matsuda was unfortunate enough to have Light up front with him in his BMW. And he was grouchy about having to go on this trip. _Camping _of all things.

"You can't drive! I already told you that because it's _my _awesome car. And your driver's license was suspended for trying to hit that old man crossing the street." Matsuda pointed out as he took both hands off the steering wheel for a minute to snatch the map back.

Light growled and snatched at the map again. "The old bastard was moving negative three miles per _minute._ How long does it take an old codger to cross the damn street?"

That's when a new voice joined the mix. "Well, since I have an IQ superior to both of you two combined, how about pulling over and letting _me _drive?" L asked, sticking his head in between the two from the middle seat. "I think I'll manage not to hurt anyone. And still eat my doughnut at the same time."

"You don't have a license either, Mr. Chaperone. I don't want to die on a useless camping trip, so let's not let you behind the wheel of the car." Near piped up from the seat beside L. "Also it would be nice if you sat down. Your derriere is in my face."

Matsuda turned around in his seat while struggling with Light for the road map. "L, I told you no unknown objects in the car."

"Derriere means _Ass, _DUMB FUCK!" Mello shouted angrily from the very backseat of the BMW. "ARRRGGGHHH! What is the real reason I have to go on this damn trip? I mean really? The director says "quality team building exercise". I call _bullshit! Bullshit, I say!_"

"Stop using dirty words for poop in my car!" Matsuda said while shoving at Light. "It will soil her innocence."

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!" Light said tauntingly as he tried to take the road map again. "And the car is just a car, not a 'she'. I just hope you wreck the damn thing so we can go back home."

Then screaming started from the back seat of the car.

Near sighed dramatically and rubbed both hands over his albino face and silver hair. "Great, just great. Now you guys have woken up Matt. And he was sleeping peacefully after learning he wasn't going to have video games for two weeks. I'll have to give him another sedative."

Matt was gibbering away in the back seat shaking Mello back and forth. "I don't have my DS! I DON'T HAVE MY DS! How am I going to play Pokemon X & Y! It'll get dusty! Or what happens if someone steals it while I'm gone!? WHAT HAPPENS THEN, HUH!?"

"Get the psycho off me, Near! Plunge the syringe into his shoulder already before I choke to death!" Mello cried, trying to peel Matt's clutching fingers from his neck.

Near was having trouble trying to locate the syringe and Mello's face was turning blue. L, deciding to take swift action, angled his body in the seat and kicked Matt in the back of the head. _Very hard. _"Ah, crisis averted. Now will everyone kindly shut up so I can eat my strawberry cake in peace?"

Light turned around a split second and took a look at the slumped figure in the back of the car. "L, did you just kill him? Dammit, I was going to do that! Stop taking my victims!"

"L, I told you no food in my Shelia! Toss it out!" Complained Matsuda worrying over the new interior.

"Matsuda, you are thoroughly insane if you think I'm throwing an eclair out the window."

"You just had a piece of cake! Where the hell did it go?" Light said turning around to look in the back of the car while wrestling Matsuda.

And the shouting, arguing, and random, unsettling arguments resumed until Matsuda shouted triumphantly, "FOUND IT! We're here! The Hanabi Campgrounds, home to the wildest fireworks party of the year! Come one, let's get out and set up- wait a minute, where the hell are you two going!"

Mello and Light were making a mad dash back to the highway. As Matsuda took after them and Near tended to a comatose Matt in the backseat, L got out of the car to stretch his legs while eating a candy bar.

_I have a bad feeling that this isn't going to turn out well..._

_~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~_

**_This is going to be great._**


	2. Pitching a Fit

After retrieving Light and Mello from their mad dash to the highway everyone had gathered around the dirt enclosing where they were going to set up camp. But the problem was: no one knew _how _to set up camp. Especially the tent and making fire.

Everybody spent the first few minutes staring at the pile of gear on the ground and glaring at each other. Then Matsuda decided to take charge, since no one else was going to say anything. "Okay everyone! Here's what we'll do: L, Near, and I will make the fire and cook some food while Mello, Matt, and Light pitch the deluxe tent for us to sleep in."

Mello snorted and said, "You make it sound like we're all going to sleep in the same place together. You better not be suggesting that. I need space when I sleep so I won't kill anybody."

"And I'm not a sound sleeper," said Near as he unpacked a Superman figure from his sports bag, "I tend to kick out periodically."

Their complaints went unheard as a loud, metallic clang resounded throughout the enclosure, making everyone jump a little. Apparently, Light didn't want to talk about sleeping arrangements, he just wanted to set the thing up and get the trip over with. Grumbling, he took a pipe and tried to fit it together with another pipe.

Sighing, Matt massaged his temples with the tips of his fingers. After just coming out of a comatose state he didn't feel like spending all day pitching a tent. "Come on Mello, let's help the Neanderthal pitch the tent so we can get out of here sooner. And back to technology."

While one group began the process of pitching the tent L, Matsuda, and Near started tossing around ideas about starting a fire. Well, Near and L tossed around ideas while Matsuda sat on the ground and rubbed two sticks together over a pile of wood.

"This is _foolproof! _All the cool survivalists do this on those nature shows. All it takes is a few...good...whew...tries and...gosh...*pant*...this is taking...really long..." Matsuda's arms were beginning to feel like lead as he rubbed the sticks together. "Whew, okay. I could have sworn I saw a little spark. Here L, you give it a go."

L looked at the two sticks for a moment, then looked at Matsuda. "You're an idiot. I can't believe you think we could start a fire like that. Be realistic, this isn't Tarzan."

Matsuda gave a strident frown and replied, "Well at least I'm coming up with something. You two haven't made a move to help. In fact, _you_ guys figure the actual firemaking, I'm going to go do more _useful _things and gather firewood." And with that Matsuda left Near and L staring at the pile of sticks on the ground.

Both were quiet for a few minutes before Near spoke up. "Wanna go borrow Mello's lighter from the SUV?"

"I already have it." L replied striking the top and bending down to light the fire. When it was nice and hot L heard a shout and a clang come from the direction of Light, Mello, and Matt. _Please don't let them be trying to kill each other... _

Unfortunately, L wish went unheeded as he turned around to see the three of them striking each other with the metal pipes. Mello was bleeding from a cut on his cheek, one cuff of Light's shorts were shredded, and Matt's T-shirt no longer had a bottom. Also, there were streams of loud profanity coming from their mouths.

"I already told you that the DAMN PIPE DOESN'T GO THERE!"

"You're right. It's going to go UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T QUIT HITTING ME."

"Has anyone bothered to read the _instruction manual? _You DUMB BASTARDS! _IT'S SITTING RIGHT THERE!_"

"Shut UP. I don't need a stupid manual! It's easy enough as long as this DUMB FUCK gets out of my way!"

"SHUT UP."

"YOU SHUT UP."

"NO, YOU SHUT UP."

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP."

"How about everyone shut up and act like civilized _Homo sapiens_." L added in as he and Near approached the site of the chaos. The three angry stooges stopped and glared as Near picked up the instruction manual and flipped through it.

After five minutes he closed the book and took the pipe that Matt was holding. "This one goes 12 ft. into the ground. The one Light's holding goes on top of this one. Mello, you're holding the one that will come later on so grab that one over there..."

Not knowing what else to do or say the three of them actually complied with the instructions while L lounged on a log and took out a KitKat. In roughly 30 minutes the tent was up and sturdy and the sun was retreating behind the trees. The enclosure was getting dark fast.

_Where was MATSUDA?_

**Still in the woods.**

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Oh my... That doesn't seem to bode well. And it's up to me to make it worse! XD I love my writing.**_


	3. Nature Walk

Night had fallen by the time L decided to call together a search for their Village Idiot. "Apparently Matsuda got lost in the woods 2 days ahead of schedule. I wasn't planning on losing him until Thursday, but you know idiots." L said with a shrug of his shoulders. "We're going hunting for him so grab a flashlight and a duffel bag."

No one made a move to do anything. Light and Mello sat scowling, Matt was staring at the campfire, and Near was pretending he didn't hear anyone. Nobody seemed interested in going to search for Matsuda and were very happy right where they were.

"Oh, come on. You guys are really going to let him die out there?" asked L, glancing at the faces around the orange glow of the campfire.

Near glanced up for a quick second to say, "Well, he's not really a valuable asset to the group. Shouldn't we just leave him where he is? No harm done." Matt nodded his head vehemently in agreement.

Light spoke up from where he was perched, "Damn right I'm letting him die out there! He's the one that got up and went into the woods knowing he had no sense of direction. Why should I get my ass up and get eaten by mosquitoes looking for the dumbass?"

"For once in my life I agree with Mr. I'mAGay here. Idiot gets lost, idiot gets eaten by a bear. Big whoop." Mello said as he kicked dirt into the fire, staring moodily.

"Don't call me "I'mAGay" or I'll kick your ass."

"It's your last name spelled backwards. Not my fault your parents hated you."

L held up his hands for silence then reached into his back pocket to pull out a Benjamin Franklin. "Whoever goes with me gets $100 scot-free, no take-backsies or nothing. Okay with that?" He waved the bill over everyone's head.

Instantly the Wammy House Trio was up and gathering flashlights and duffle bags to go search for Matsuda. A hundred dollars could probably get them a taxi out of this dump and back home. And if it could do that then they were all for it.

Except for Light. Who didn't move from his spot. "So? Big deal. You have a hundred bucks, I got money too, you know. See?" Light pulled out a wad of cash and waved it around. "I could make it rain if I wanted to."

Sighing L facepalmed himself. Taking a breath he looked at Light through his fingers. "First of all, don't ever say 'I could make it rain' _ever_ _again_. Second of all, we came in Matsuda's BMW, correct? He doesn't trust anyone with his car, right? So where do you think he'll have the keys? _On his body. _The only way to get out of here is to find him and get the car keys. Do you get it now?" L said slowly making a come-on gesture with his hands.

Light put his face in his hands for a few moments. Then said, "Fuck me" and got up to join the others.

* * *

Meanwhile Matsuda wasn't doing too bad at all. He gathered firewood for the first few hours then when the pile got too heavy to carry he set it down and went exploring. _I feel so connected with nature. Breathe that fresh forest air...and the gnat that just went up my nose...Ewww._

After staring at some strange flowers and trying unsuccessfully to scale a tree (which resulted in a scraped elbow) he wandered around the blackberry bushes. And that's when he saw it. Right there nuzzling it's nose in the bush.

A bear cub. A medium sized, very cute bear cub.

"WOW! You're so _kawaii!_" Matsuda yelled excitedly as walked around the cub who was oblivious to everything but the berries. "Can I pet you? Should I pet you? I'm going to pet you." He decided as he knelt down and gently touched it's tousled brown fur.

The bear glanced up at the humanoid. Then deciding that the IQ was low enough for him not to be a threat he nuzzled against his hand.

Though it could scarcely be seen because of the night, Matsuda wore a huge grin on his face. "You like me? Good, because you're gonna be my new friend and not those jerks at the campground. Know what I'm gonna name you? _Winnie. _As in Pooh, got it?"

Apparently the bear got it because when Matsuda got up the bear followed eagerly behind him. So happy was he to have a friend Matsuda was thrilled to see another animal up ahead of him. This one was a doe.

"Another one? I must be Nature Man! Come here, girl. That's right. I'll call you Bambi." Matsuda said kindly as the doe edged towards him.

Then disaster struck.

Winnie lunged. Not at Matsuda, but at Bambi. And tore her to shreds.

"AAAIIIEEE! BAMBI! NO! Bad Winnie! Very bad Winnie! You do NOT eat your woodland friends! Do you hear me Mister?"

Winnie looked from his dinner at the annoying, shouting humanoid. He was making his head hurt with all the nonsense he was spouting. Time to make him shut up already. Winnie started advancing on Matsuda, teeth bared with a sinister growl deep in his throat.

Matsuda instantly stopped yelling and started backing up. "Nice bear cub, very nice bear cub. Don't you think you should finish that? It's insulting to Mother Nature to let good food go to waste-"

Winnie charged forward.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**I had to put a bear in it, I HAD to. XD **_


	4. Exit Stage Left

**_A nice little teaser chapter, before the long stuff._**

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Full night had come over the forest and the campers were still trekking through the forest looking for their Lost Lassie. Or rather some seemed to be actually looking. Light and Mello were just shining their flashlights around aimlessly hoping Matsuda would crash through the trees.

"In order to find someone you have to _look._ I don't think you're doing a very good job of that." Near said to Mello as he slapped the flashlight from his face for the tenth time. "If you're just going to shine the light into my eyes then shut it off. Your wasting batteries."

"Nyah, Nyah, Nyah. I just want to get back. Honestly, I don't care what happens to the idiot. I already bet Satan over there that he got eaten by a bear. $50 heading my way once we find the body." said Mello as he waved the Light in Matt's face annoyingly.

Light shined his light on Mello. "You mean $50 coming _my _way. It's more likely he fell off the side of a cliff. He hardly ever watches where he's going. And it's stupid to say that he'll get abducted by aliens..."

Matt pouted, "It could be true! You know in forests like this that alien ships land and try to steal humans. It could happen any moment know."

"You've forgotten one thing: I don't think Matsuda's human. Neither is our ring leader for that matter." Near said blatantly so that L (who was at the front of the group) could hear.

L glanced back for a few seconds, then resumed shining his light around and calling Matsuda's name every now and again. "Here Matsui, Matsui, Matsui! Come out of the tree you're hiding in and get back to camp! Everyone's worried sick!"

"The hell I am."

"Fuck that."

"No I'm not."

"Whatever."

_I'm not really worried either but that's not going to make him come out any faster. _L thought as he continued to shine the light around. _I sincerely hope he got abducted by aliens, then at least he'd be among his own kind and not mauled by a bear..._

Suddenly a noise broke L out of his thoughts. Rustling, in the bushes yonder. The group froze and trained their lights on the same bush directly to the right of them. And waited tensely. Maybe the search was over and they could all get back to camp.

And the search was over.

Matsuda came shooting out of the bushes, arms and legs scraped and twigs in his hair. He knocked into Light, knocking both of them off their feet and into Matt, who squealed as he was trapped under two grown men.

"GET OFF, GET OFF! Help, suffocating! Help, help!" Matt shouted as he thrashed around on the ground.

Light roughly shoved Matsuda off of him and got to his feet. "About time we find you dumbass. How long were you going to pretend to be Robin Hood and get eaten by mosquitoes? Let's head back now L, I don't want to spend another minute out here."

But L was helping the scattered Matsuda off the ground. "Matsuda? Matsuda, what's wrong? You look even more spastic than usual. Come on, speak. I can't get you to shut up on most days."

Matsuda seemed dazed, then as he looked at the group around him a spark came back into his eyes. "L! Light! Little devil children! We have to GO RIGHT NOW! Before we DIE! COME ON! I DON'T WANNA DIIIIIIEEEE!"

"What the hell is he going on about?!" Mello said already fed up with finding him. "Go get lost again."

But L was again calming Matsuda down. "Breathe, okay? Now, why do we need to run or die? Scared of the black shape on the ground? That's your shadow."

Matsuda slapped L's hands away fiercely and shouted, "BECAUSE OF THE DAMN_ BEAR!_"

Enter bear stage right. Exit people stage left.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Annoying Author Comment but PLEASE REVIEW! _**

**_Don't you love me? I'm perfectly lovable. _**


	5. Run! Scatter! Confusion!

Pure chaos has began. No one can see anything or anyone. Scattered dialogue, nobody knows who's speaking half the time. Everyone's concerned only with getting away from Winnie and not being eaten alive.

"Is everyone still together?!"

"Um, I don't know. Concentrating on running here."

"I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die!"

_**THUD**_

"Light just fell down back there! Shouldn't we stop?"

"NO! He's gonna get eaten and I don't care!"

_**THUD**_

"Karma's a bitch isn't it, Mello?"

"Has anyone seen the bear?"

"It's too dark, AAAAHHHHH! THERE IT IS!"

"It's a damn bush, Matsuda!"

"I think Light's back with us now."

"_What the fuck was that!? _You all were going to leave me to _die?!_"

"Pretty much."

"You could keep the bear busy."

"FUCK YOU!"

_**THWACK!**_

"HAHAHAHA! Smart-ass just got knocked by a tree branch!"

"I sincerely hope you die tonight Mello."

"Who's seen the bear!?"

"Don't point at another bush, Matsuda."

"Okay, I won't-OH MY GOD!"

_**RRRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRR!**_

"It's got the idiot!"

"Too bad, I wanna live! Run faster!"

_**RIP!**_

"His shirt tore! I think he's catching back up to us."

"You guys are mean!"

"It's all in human nature."

"Does anyone hear water?"

_**GROWL! RAWR!**_

"All I hear is the fucking bear!"

"Wait, wait, wait!"

"I really hear water now."

"EVERYONE STOP NOW!"

"And get eaten? NO WAY!"

"I didn't even pass level 550 on Asteroids."

"STOP NOW!"

"You're trying to get us killed!"

"WATER!?"

"Maybe it's a river! We could cross it and get away!"

"That's not a river!"

"Holy shit..."

"What do we do?"

"Well we can stop running and die or keep running and die. Pretty simple."

"Let's just take a chance. Everyone grab hands."

"I don't know where their hands been! That's unsanitary."

"Just grab or you can die alone!"

"Alright, alright!"

"Everyone linked? Okay, JUMP NOW!"

"_**AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Ah, nothing like a waterfall... I wonder who can't swim?_**


	6. Going With the Flow (and Drowning)

The tumble down the waterfall only lasted ten seconds until the group smashed into the rapids with enough force to break some limbs. There wasn't even enough time to come up for a breath of air before the rapids started forcing them downstream.

L pushed his head up for a split second to gulp some air before going back under. Unfortunately for all his intelligence he never learned how to swim. It was a struggle just to keep his head above water to call roll. Sputtering he yelled, "Guys! Let me know you're still living!"

Just then a hand came by and knocked him dead-center in his forehead. L slumped a little bit, an unconscious weight in the water.

"GAAAHHH! LEGGO OF ME! I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITH YOU! DON'T GRAB THERE!" Light shouted flailing in the water and waving his fists in the air (the ones that hit L on accident). Attached to Light was Mello who was holding on for dear life.

"NO WAY! I'm not drowning when someone is floating right next to me! Stop floundering and swim!" Mello screamed in Light's ear as he gripped his waist.

"I don't know how to swim either! Get off and fend for yourself, Asshole!"

"You're the asshole!"

Suddenly another figure latched itself onto Mello's arm and stuck tight. It was sobbing maniacally and digging its nails into the flesh of Mello's forearm. "DON'T LET ME DIE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG! TOOOO YOOOUNG!"

Mello started to beat on the figure, trying to pry the nails lose. "Dammit Matt! Go get someone else to die with you! I don't have time for this, I need to survive."

Still sobbing, Matt replied, "But what about the friendship that we've developed?"

"FUCK FRIENDSHIP!"

Light was busy trying to keep afloat with two other leeches attached to him when he saw a peculiar sight. It was Near. And he seemed to be skimming on top of the water! "THE FU- How's he doing that!?"

Near heard the voices and looked over to see the three floundering in the rapid flush. "Oh hello there. It seems you two didn't pick the person who could swim to attach to. Right, Matsuda?"

_Matsuda? What is he talking about-? _Light thought frantically then remembered Matsuda. The marriage vacation. Misa's speedboat. MATSUDA THE MARLIN.

And just as he suspected he peered closely at the shape that was carrying Near. And Matsuda was beneath him swimming like a dolphin, his body skimming the rapids without even having to move his arms, only his legs.

Matsuda glanced around and saw that almost everyone was together. "Hey, you three! Latch onto Near and I can swim everyone to shore! And don't thrash, that makes it harder for me to swim."

Light, Mello, and Matt grabbed onto Near while Matsuda began to swim for the bank. There was a large, flat rock on the edge of the bank that they all climbed onto and crawled toward the forest edge. Breathing heavily, Near was the first one to catch on to L's disappearance. "Hey! I think L still may be in the river!"

"Too bad!" Light and Mello shouted together and continued to ring out their shirts.

Matsuda hopped back on the flat rock and scanned the turbulent surface for any sight of L. "There! I see him! Hold on, buddy! I'm coming for ya!"He yelled as swan-dived back into the roaring rapids and disappeared under the waves.

"Whoa! This is like an action movie! Kinda cool!" Matt said as he watched Matsuda struggle with a prone L back to the shore. "Honestly, I would have let him drown."

Coughing, both L and Matsuda rolled onto the dirt and heaved sighs of relief.

"You didn't drown me...I find that intriguing...and nice. Thank you." L said to Matsuda.

"No problem. Now, can anyone tell me where we _ARE?_"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Give a big thank you to Matsuda for saving everyone's ass. Too bad they're far from civilization with no food and clean water...**_

_**Thanks to the people still out there keeping up! And maybe, *ahem*, you know, um, REVIEWING once in awhile. Not that I'm complaining. :D **_


	7. No, I'M the Leader!

_**Sakuchi-san's back in action! Computer is off life support and the fanfics are back on. **_

_**Thanks to the people who still followed me through my absence and all. *sniff* I'm not crying...so don't think that.**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

After a few hours of panicking and shouting from Matsuda, profanity from Mello and Light, silent thought from L and Near, and a complete hysterical fit from Matt, everyone was ready to calmly argue out a plan of survival.

"Matsuda, if you don't get off of me, I'll hurt you..._badly._" Light threatened as he tried to pry Matsuda from around his waist. "Plus, you're still drenched!"

Teeth chattering and body shivering Matsuda only clung harder. "B-b-but you're w-w-wa-warm and I'm c-c-c-c-c-c-"

"SCREW OFF!"

While Light and Matsuda did an odd tango by the river L addressed the rest of the group with his game plan.

"Well, first off we're going to need some type of shelter or we're lunch for the mosquitoes out here," L said while surveying the scene around them, "Probably better if we stay by the river for fresh water. Also, we'll need food so you two and Near will scout out for some while Matsuda, Light, and I stay and make shelter."

"Hold up! Who made Diabetes Dumbass leader? Last time I checked there's a FUCKING BEAR IN THE WOODS. You get your ass chewed up, I'm staying." Mello protested, picking a tree to stand firmly against.

Matt's left eye was twitching wildly. "Not going. Not going. No. Not. Not going."

Rubbing the ridge of his nose L turned to Near. "Please convince them to go get the food. We'll starve if they are going to decide to be jackasses."

Still steadily ringing out the rest of the water in his t-shirt Near considered this notion. "I think I'm actually with Mello here. I mean, who did elect _you _leader? I'm sure you've never been out of the city in your life so you are not the best choice."

L ground his teeth together quietly. "I. Am. The leader. End of story. I may not have actual experience, but I have completed scenarios with Watari. You, on the other hand, have also been sheltered and not to mention coddled. You have almost zero knowledge of the outdoors."

Near pressed his lips together into a thin line. "Why don't we take a vote?" he said stiffly, "Who wants the almighty _L _as leader?"

Of course L raised his hand and Matsuda loosened his grip on Light to raise his. Light quickly shoved him to the ground and started to ponder his vote. "Honestly, I like Candy Ass as much as the Village Idiot here, but between him and Albino Ass I'll give my vote to L."

"I guess I should thank you for that...if I can figure out how without cursing..." L said glaring at Light. Turning back to the matter at hand he said, "Okay, there's my votes. Who wants our outstanding _young _Near to be in charge?"

Near's hand shot up for himself and Mello raised his hand only to spite L. Matt was still in a rigor mortis state and continued to stare straight ahead.

Soothingly Near patted Matt on top of his head. "Hey buddy. If you raise your hand right now I promise we won't have to go in the woods. Alright?"

Matt's hand shoots into the air.

Getting steadily annoyed L said, "Well, looks like a draw. So, as default oldest gets to be leader. I win! Now go get the food."

"Actually," Near said, equally annoyed, "A young person like myself would be more reliable not to kill over if struck with disease and also I'm more imaginative as to think of solutions to this problem."

Both of them looked ready to brawl and Light and Mello took up seats on the flat rocks to make bets.

"Albino's going to get tossed in the river."

"Not if Diabetes has a heart attack."

But before anyone could throw a punch Matsuda spoke up. "How about both of you be the leader! Then there can be peaceful compromise and no fighting. Then we could all, you know, _survive and not die_. Okay?"

Still glaring at each other L and Near eased the tension out of their shoulders. Then, with lightning speed, both of them shouted, "I EXILE YOU TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WOODS!"

"I exiled you first."

"No, you didn't. I exiled you first."

"No, I exiled _you_ first."

"We could fight if you want. I know tae kwon do."

"So, Shorty? And I know Capoeira. Plus, I have long legs."

"_DON'T CALL ME SHORTY!_"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Fight! Cool, just don't roll back into the river...**_


End file.
